[CUT TO: Sandy standing in front of what looks like an indoor ticker tape parade.]

SANDOZ PFIZER: “Thanks Chase, you know there’s one thing you can say about having six minds. Three’s company sure, but six is a party! Which is in keeping with the spirit of this Encuentro here at the Spare Centre today. I’m having severe trouble at the moment in not lapsing into mahasamadhi as I talk to you, as I am surrounded by some of the top yogis and siddhis from the metaverse. I actually spoke to the organisers about ten minutes before we went on air and they estimate that attendees have come from ten to the power of 38 universes, which puts the Kumbh Mela in the shade I think you’ll agree Chase.”

CHASE MANHATTAN: “Well Sandoz, if you do decide you want to turn into a ball of light at any moment then just say and we’ll go to a pre-recorded item.”

SANDOZ PFIZER: “I’ll be fine, Chase as I’m grounding myself at the moment with the memory of a bad relationship I had in the 2090’s.”

CHASE MANHATTAN: “Whatever floats your boat as they say Sandy. Now of these yogis you’ve met, have there been any stand out characters?”

SANDOZ PFIZER: “Well, I was in the hotel bar last night and met Jacques DeMolay, the Astral Grandmaster of the Priory of Sion which was very interesting - he told me some very interesting stuff about Lucifer, Adam Weishaupt and Rudolf Steiner. But what was really far out was that as he spoke, the tone of his voice began to change like it was synthesised or filtered.”

CHASE MANHATTAN: “Not unusual in this day and age, Sandy. What’s the scoop?”

SANDOZ PFIZER: “As it turned out, Jacques wasn’t in the hotel bar at all. I was talking to a projection of holographic light from another universe in another dimension - an animated stained glass window as he likes to call it. The phasing effect was thermal fluctuations in the phase boundary between our universe and the multidimensional fluid that exists outside it. Jacques now exists in a purely photonic universe and rarely incarnates in any matter-containing universes. The hologram is an avatar that he despatches for social occasions such as this that require his attendence.”

CHASE MANHATTAN: “Well I certainly never knew that Sandy. What other tidbits have you picked up there?”

SANDOZ PFIZER: “Last night I also bumped into the Real Head of the Illuminati, Robert Anson Wilson. He’s currently standing trial in Belgium on a charge of mindfucking Kerry Thornley into thinking that he was the second Oswald. Bob exclusively revealed to me that the CAI have established the nature of the other Oswalds.

CAI investigators travelled back in time and discovered that the so-called deaths of Buddy Holly, Richie Valens and the Big Bopper in a plane crash were part of an Operation Midnight Paperclip effort to secure the DNA and physiogomy of talented celebrities. That DNA was used not only to provide gene therapy to the original Oswald and ancilliary patsies, but years later found its way into Britney Spears’ genome. A simple DNA scan will establish whether Thornley has the Nazi genes or not, which Bob believes will get him off the hook.”

CHASE MANHATTAN: “Well, it sounds like Bob’s opened himself a real can of worms there. Something tells me that this one will run and run.”

SANDOZ PFIZER: “I’d agree with you there, Chase.”

CHASE MANHATTAN: “I thank the stars that adherence to all forms of jurisprudence is purely optional these days. Thanks for sharing that with us, Sandy.”

SANDOZ PFIZER: “The pleasure’s all mine, Chase.”

CHASE MANHATTAN: “We’ll go back to Sandoz Pfizer there at the Spare Centre in uptown Luxor later on in the show. But first, let’s take a quick look back at the very first CAI Encuentro, 113 years ago. Ariane Vostok reports on how a ragged group of 2012 survivors created the unique organisation that is the Crunch Authenticity Institute.”

[CUT TO: Caption card reading ‘The Crunch Shall Set You Free’. FADE TO: Ariane Vostok standing in the middle of a meteorite crater.]

ARIANE VOSTOK: “I’m here in Sudbury, Ontario at a crater forged in the white heat of a meteorite impact sixty million years ago. It was here that a disparate groups of artists, musicians, philosophers and fringe scientists came together in an unexpected series of events surrounding the epochal events of 2012 to form what became the Crunch Authenticity Institute or the CAI as it’s known.

[CUT TO: Archive footage of the CAI pioneers.]

ARIANE VOSTOK: “The 21st day of December 2012 had been predicted by the Mayans as the end of one great cycle and the beginning of another. This belief had grown to epic proportions by the year 2012, one which the Archons hoped to capitalise upon by ushering an age of total repression. It is fortunate that they did not bank upon the efforts of a number of misfits with imagination who admittedly did have a little help from some unusual friends. I travelled to Dimension Tetra-Gamma-Sine FF7AC3FF to speak with the offfical spokesperson for the Men In White Hats, Simon Magus.

[CUT TO: Simon Magus sitting in a chair opposite Ariane Vostok.]

ARIANE VOSTOK: “Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to speak with us, Simon.”

SIMON MAGUS: “The pleasure’s all mine, Ariane. Actually, I’m a big fan of Sorry About The Concrete, You Should Be Able To Walk Out Of Your First Floor Window Once It Sets.”

ARIANE VOSTOK: “Thank you Simon!”

SIMON MAGUS: “Anytime, Ariane, anytime.”

ARIANE VOSTOK: “Now let’s talk about the events leading up to 2012. What was your involvement with the founders of the CAI prior to 2012?”

SIMON MAGUS: “Well, we’d recognised that - if you’ll pardon the pun - 2012 represented Crunch time for that plucky planet called Earth.”

ARIANE VOSTOK: “’We’ being?”

SIMON MAGUS: “The Men in White Hats. Humanity stood at a fork in the road. One road led to Ahriman, his Archon acolytes and eternal oppression. The other led to eternal liberation and Lucifer, the chump, thought that he could shepherd humanity down it. As we now know, he was in the thrall of Ahriman all along. This personal failing of Lucifer’s led humanity to unwittingly admit into its dimension those pesky demons now known as Cuckoos. These demons had synergised with the human race - without its knowledge predominantly - to such a degree by the late twentieth century that we knew that the Cuckoos had something truly appalling up their sleeves in order to bring about the triumph of Ahriman. After all, they had completely infiltrated the upper echelons of the United States, which at the end of the twentieth century was the only superpower - a most disturbing turn of events. We had to find that element of humanity that was not in the thrall of the Cuckoos and give them all the assistance we could muster.”

ARIANE VOSTOK: “How did you accomplish what would seem in retrospect to be an impossible task?”

SIMON MAGUS: “We surmised there were two kinds of people that we sought. One kind were people who were ttruly awake - real psychics, advanced meditators and so on. If a Cuckoo attempted to invade them, they would simply be able to shrug them off and laugh at them. The other kind were people who had acquired immunity to the Cuckoos, usually through chronic pot smoking or psychedelic usage. For example, we found that people who had consumed a West African rootcalled Eboga all gained immunity. We signed up the Pygmy and the Bwiti at the drop of a hat, especially as they understood exactly what we were.”

ARIANE VOSTOK: “Which is?”

SIMON MAGUS: “You’ll have to find out for yourself some time.”

ARIANE VOSTOK: “I’d very much like that. But let’s get back to the CAI. Did you seek out many of its founders before 2012?”

SIMON MAGUS: “All of them. Apart from the Bwiti and the Pygmy, they were the easiest to find because they had encountered the Crunch long before we showed up to tell them about it. Many of them had experienced it in their childhood and as a result were extremely adept. In adult life, they either theorised about it and became philosophers and writers or they attempted to recreate it and became artists, musicians or fringe scientists. These efforts to bring on the Crunch acted as a beacon for us. Once we found them, we gave them what they wanted and needed.”

[CUT TO: Ariane Vostok standing in the meteorite
crater.]

ARIANE VOSTOK: “It was that assistance provided by the Men in White Hats to those individuals who went on to form the CAI that led them to gather at this meteorite crater in Sudbury on the eve of 21st December 2012. It was here that the Maximum of 2012’s Crunch Incursion occurred. The exact order of events is still hazy to this day, but it is certain that they were in exactly the right place at the right time. The morning after, those individuals pledged to ensure liberation for all
and adopted the motto ‘The Crunch Shall Set You Free’. Thus the CAI was formed and the rest, as they say, is history. This is Ariane Vostok for Crunch News Tonight at the birthplace of the CAI.”

[CUT TO: Chase Manhattan atop the Omphalos.]

CHASE MANHATTAN: “Many thanks there to Ariane, who took two days out of her vacation to take the arduous trip to the Tetra Dimensions. You can see her full interview with Simon Magus in tonight’s edition of Sorry About The Concrete at FE:0F Metaversal Time. In a moment, we’ll be returning to Sandoz Pfizer who’s at the Spare Centre here in Luxor with all the gossip and rumours surrounding the 113th CAI Encuentro. That’ll be right after some messages. Stay tuned to me, Chase Manhattan, on Crunch News Tonight.”